A very good friend, Jody, pointed something out to me after my blog from yesterday entitled "My Override Button". She said I kind of sounded like I didn't think God was on my side. So I think I owe him an apology.
God, I'm sorry if I sounded pissed off at you yesterday. I'm not really, but you can put me in group therapy when I get to heaven if you want. Actually, I do see my cancer as a blessing. It really has been that wake up call I needed. I'm rearranging my life to do the things I always wanted to do and spend time with people I love.
In order to have peace about all this, I have to be prepared to surrender even though I intend to fight my cancer every step of the way. In order for me to surrender, I have to think that you need me up in heaven more than I need to be on this earth. Maybe it's death I need to direct my anger at and I'm transferring it to you. I'm sorry I was so hard-headed, and you had to resort to cancer to get my attention.
The first big death I ever dealt with was that of my former father-in-law, Clarence Cook, Jr. He died instantly of a heart attack in his early 60's. It was so hard to lose such a vital man so quickly and so young in his life. He was a career oil & gas accountant, an expert, and I was just beginning my accounting degree. I was really struggling with his death until in a dream one night, Clarence came to me. My then-husband Lance, his mother Juanita, and I were walking into some fast food restaurant with two sets of glass doors. They were ahead of me and suddenly Clarence was sitting there in the foyer and told me to come sit down by him, which I did. Lance and Juanita had passed to the inside the restaurant which became frozen in time. The foyer transformed to some sort of waiting room, softly-lit in yellow, and Clarence Jr. was very calm and matter of fact. He told me everything was okay, not to worry, there was some very important work he was needed for in heaven. "I know it's difficult to understand, but just accept it. Tell the others." Then he was gone, and I was staring down at the grimy, rust colored tiles of the restaurant. I got up and joined my family. No one had noticed that I had been gone. By the way, Clarence's birthday was yesterday.